Allied

 Allied, 2016

Directed by Robert Zemeckis, 124 minutes

Brad Pitt, Marion Cotillard, Lizzy Caplan, Matthew Goode

Half spy-action-film, half love-story, the only thing Zemeckis does well here is romanticize.

Brad Pitt is as engaging as a sandbag playing Max Vatan, a well-greased Canadian RAF pilot on a classified mission in WWII Casablanca. Enter the slightly more intriguing Marianne Beauséjour (Marion Cotillard). She’s his French-resistance-fighting partner, masquerading as his wife and donned in silks and smiles, with a twinkle in her eye.

They set about ‘testing’ one another as they prepare for their suicide mission to assassinate a Nazi official. So far the movie hasn’t committed too many sins outside of a bad CGI parachute landing.

Vatan and Beauséjour decide to spend their last night out in the dunes. The night ends in car sex during a sand storm so claustrophobic our grimaces look like the ones on Pitt and Cotillard’s faces.

The spy-lovers smarten up and head over to their dinner party to complete the mission. This is it, the big action sequence for the film, happening less than halfway through. It utilizes some good camera angles but Vatan and Beauséjour look so suspicious throughout we wonder how they ever managed to become spies.

Miraculously, they get away alive and having consummated their great love, move to London to get married for real and raise the daughter they conceived during their uncomfortable car sex.

Almost two years go by before British intelligence picks up chatter that points to Beauséjour being a planted German spy. Vatan kicks a chair and swears that love conquers all, his wife isn’t working for the Germans, blah blah blah. They set up a test to see if she’s the spy.

And the three days of the test last for-freaking-ever with cameos from characters whose purpose is only fleetingly explained.

One fulfilled dream and a letter later, Zemeckis is trying too hard to save his abominable plot line. The score breathes a little bit of life into this otherwise lack-luster film with a touching theme and ‘Sing Sing Sing’ to back it up.

The whole two hours are summed up in the opening sequence, fading to the word “lie” in the title. Like how Zemeckis lied to us and told us this was going to be a thrilling-action-spy intrigue. 

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Summer movies you may have missed

Between the disappointing remakes and sequels, this summer was a slew of unfulfilled promises. Admittedly, we did have some blockbuster high points with superhero sweepers Deadpool and Captain America: Civil War (credit where credit is due).

But this list is the ones that might have slipped through the cracks – a reminder that you don’t have to have a cult following in order to make a great film. Here are some worthy summer releases you may have missed.

Love and Friendship (2016)

This scandalous little movie was constructed from letters Jane Austen wrote regarding the saucy widow, Lady Susan Vernon (Kate Beckinsale). As with every good Austen novel, the plot turns on marriage – an advantageous marriage for herself and an advantageous marriage for her daughter, Frederica (Morfydd Clark).

Beckinsale charms as this quick-witted and glamorous leech of a lady, always towing the line between being venerable and despicable. The costumes are also to die for.

Bad Moms (2016)

The creators of The Hangover struck gold with this little gem. Amy (Mila Kunis) – overworked and under-appreciated – throws her cheating husband out and quits the PTA after the gluten-free, fresh-laundry, working-parent pressure cracks her. Due to her rebellion, she teams up with the wild Carla (Kathryn Hahn) and the repressed Kiki (Kristen Bell) against their PTA arch-nemesis Gwendolyn (Christina Applegate).

I’ll admit I didn’t have high expectations for this film, but after a grocery store sequence that left tears rolling down my face from laughter, I was sold. Hahn is unstoppable as Carla. The credits include the cast interviewing their own real-life moms and it’s a humbling ending to a silly couple of hours.

Captain Fantastic (2016)

Viggo Mortensen (Lord of the Rings) is Ben Cash, a father raising his six kids off the grid in the wilderness of the Pacific Northwest. They celebrate Noam Chomsky Day, train like Olympic athletes in survival, study philosophy and literature and end each day making music around their fire pit. When their mentally ill mother dies, they leave their isolated utopia and make a cross-country trek to attend her funeral.

It’s a phenomenal testament to understanding, compromise and tolerance, held together by an almost mythical camaraderie in the cast. The performances from each of the children, not to mention Mortensen, are astounding.

Florence Foster Jenkins (2016)

A laughable character, Meryl Streep brings sincere depth and context to the famously horrible turn-of-the-century singer, Florence Foster Jenkins. Thanks to the loyalty and devotion of her much younger Shakespearian co-habitant, St. Clair Bayfield (Hugh Grant) and her accompanist, Cosmé McMoon – yep, that’s his real name – she ended up living her dream by performing at Carnegie Hall.

Streep’s balance of singing just barely badly enough is most impressive. But the real props here go to McMoon, played by The Big Bang Theory’s Simon Helburg, in a performance that stands shoulder to shoulder with Streep.  

Hell or High Water (2016)

Chris Pine (Star Trek Beyond) and Ben Foster (Lone Survivor) are Toby and Tanner Howard, two west Texas brothers robbing banks to save their family ranch. Their well-thought out plan is to rob Texas Midlands Banks – the same bank using a reverse mortgage to seize the family home – and pay them back with that money. Their endgame is to set Toby’s sons up well using oil has just been discovered under their land, all the while being hunted by Texas rangers played by Jeff Bridges (The Big Lebowski) and Gil Birmingham (Twilight). 

Pine and Foster are well-matched and however gruff externally, have an undeniable tenderness as on-screen brothers. Cinematographer Giles Nuttgens has made oil-country West Texas looks like an American gem. 

Star Trek Beyond

Star Trek Beyond, 2016

Directed by Justin Lin, 122 minutes

Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Karl Urban, Zoe Saldana, Simon Pegg, John Cho, Anton Yelchin, Idris Elba, Sofia Boutella

Review by Katherine Scheetz

The familiar ‘dings’ of the Star Trek Beyond theme begin and the nerd neurons anticipate “Space: the final frontier.”

We pick up with the crew of The Enterprise part-way through their five-year mission: exploring new lands, seeking out new civilizations and generally getting into trouble in the way only Captain James T. Kirk (Pine) can.

After a breezy, slapdash escape from hostile natives, we are captain-log narrated through an update on how the vast and diverse crew of The Enterprise have been dealing with the grueling five-year assignment. Spock (Quinto) and Uhura (Saldana) have broken up due to Vulcan procreation logic. Sulu (Cho) is married with a husband and daughter off-ship. And love or hate the newly written sexuality to the character, you can’t deny how cute the Sulu family is. Chekov (Yelchin) remains the fumbling young bachelor, still getting thrown out of rooms by girls and Bones (Urban) deflects with sarcasm, as per usual.

During a brief touch down at Starbase Yorktown where we learn Kirk has applied for a transfer off-ship and Spock Prime (Leonard Nimoy) has passed away, a call for aid leads the group on one last mission together through an uncharted nebula and into – wait for it – the beyond. Evil baddie Krall (Elba) is squatting and plotting on a planet nearby as is one of Krall’s escaped would-be victims Jaylah, played by Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015) Sofia Boutella, who once again turns her fight scenes into a dance. Star Trek Beyond is the third time this year that Idris Elba’s voice has seduced us (Zootopia, The Jungle Book) and frankly, it’s one hell of a voice.

With Fast and Furious director/producer Justin Lin at the helm the franchise has acquired new fans and momentum that was lost in the last installment, Star Trek Into Darkness(2013).

Beyond works, even with its breakneck pace and antigravity fight scenes that have you going cross-eyed. It works because it plays like a giant episode of the 1960s Star Trek show. There’s crew banter, a little introspection and then BAM they are in a pickle on a new planet with new people and they have to figure out how to get Scotty (Pegg) to beam them up.

The quippy, upbeat script is the product of Simon Pegg, who plays the ship’s engineer Scotty, and Doug Jung, who plays Sulu’s husband. Pegg has a resume of comedy writing including Shaun of the Dead (2004) and Hot Fuzz (2007), apparent in the excessive amount of one-liners that honestly just make the cast even more lovable.

It’s a fitting final performance for Yelchin, who will always be remembered for his endearing portrayal of Chekov. We just wish it wasn’t his final performance.

Out-of-this-world end credits followed by memorials to both Yelchin and Nimoy seal the deal. Embrace your inner Trekkie and go.

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Me Before You

Me Before You, 2016

Directed by Thea Sherrock, 116 minutes

Emilia Clarke, Sam Claflin, Janet McTeer, Matthew Lewis, Brendan Coyle, Jenna Coleman, Charles Dance

Review by Katherine Scheetz

              This is going to be a little different than my usual review. I have been ruminating how best to address the controversial Me Before You film that opened two weeks ago in the U.S. Should I approach it from an analytically technical standpoint and simply ignore the elephant in the room? No. That does oceans of injustice to the deeper message in this film and the lives that are affected by it. So, here we go.

             

Mother-of-Dragons Emilia Clarke – and her exceptionally strong eyebrow game – portray Louisa Clarke, our perky, quirky, manic pixie dream girl protagonist, who finds a job as companion/caregiver to the fabulously wealthy, clinically depressed and relatively new quadriplegic Will Trainor (Claflin).   

The movie sets up what promises to be a heartwarming rom-com. Louisa isn’t present for any of the “messy bits” so neither are we. Gradually, Lou breaks through Will’s icy exterior. They take wildly expensive trips together, a fabulous red dress gets its feature moment at an oboe concert and Will seems to have found new purpose in widening Louisa’s horizons. But for one catch: it is, and always has been, Will’s decision to be euthanized in Switzerland through an organization called Dignitas. On that, let’s just say this: there’s a reason everyone is telling you to bring a box of tissues.

Because the audience is cut off from those “messy bits,” we don’t actually get a chance to see the moments when Will struggles with feeling like a burden. We don’t see getting out of bed, going to the bathroom, getting dressed – the struggles that ultimately lead to his decision in Switzerland. So we are left with assuming he’s committing suicide because his life has lost its value in becoming a quadriplegic.

Which simply isn’t true. Every life has value. A disability is not a pathology that needs to be “cured” in order to have meaning and find happiness. In fact, quite the opposite, those with disabilities bring a multitude of compassionate and convicted colors to the world as only they can. Not unlike Louisa’s own technicolor wardrobe (what a joy that must have been for the costuming department).

The avoidance of anything seemingly un-pretty makes it obvious that writer Jojo Moyes didn’t actually spend time getting to know the life of a quadriplegic beyond the physical complications.

Unsurprisingly, activist Michele Kaplan (Rebel Wheels NYC) stresses that becoming wheelchair bound later in life can have tremendous effects on mental health. In a situation like Will’s, a therapist or support group to work through the emotional well-being of the individual would be just as critical – if not more – than a physical therapist, which Will does have. It’s not as if money was an object in the film, as it so often is in reality.

Without giving away the specifics I’ll end with this: the final scene ultimately paints the thoroughly unromantic picture that Will’s life was worth more to Louisa dead. And that is an atrocious message to be sending out into the universe.

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The Nice Guys

The Nice Guys, 2016

Directed by Shane Black, 116 minutes

Ryan Gosling, Russell Crowe, Angourie Rice, Matt Bomer, Margaret Qualley

Review by Katherine Scheetz

             

From the pen behind the Lethal Weapon franchise comes a detective comedy with all the glam and funk of 1978.

              Gosling is Holland March, a scotch-soaked PI who, despite his chain smoking, ambiguous moral code and the gun in his cookie jar, makes an endearing contestant for father-of-the-year to his 13-year-old daughter Holly (Rice). They are a pair still dealing from the death of Holly’s mother – in very different ways.

Enter Jackson Healy (Crowe), a voluminous enforcer who is “not in the yellow pages.” He’s after March for following the daughter of a prominent figure in the Department of Justice, Amelia Kuttner (Qualley). March has been hired by the aunt of a dead porn star – one Misty Mountains – who Amelia has a mysterious connection to.

              The mob is trying to spread their porn operation to L.A. and Misty, Amelia and Amelia’s experimental-film-making boyfriend are involved somehow. The scruffy Healy, the squeamish March and a very Nancy-Drew like Holly team up to find out just how much, especially when hit-man John Boy (Bomer) is called in for clean-up.

              The storytelling is complex – paying homage to the cinematic grandfather noir films – which risks isolating the audience that is there for pure entertainment value.

Never fear, though, Gosling is here. The physical comedy this guy pulls with his breathing, his arms, his gag reflex, his groaning, his shaking – it’s downright hilarious. As if we need more to laugh at, Shane Black and Anthony Bagarozzi have penned a script that barely leaves enough space for us to breathe in between dry, profanity-ridden jokes.

              Production designer Richard Bridgland (American Ultra) and set decorator Danielle Berman (The Hangover) romance us with groovy mirror walls, mermaid aquariums, Yoohoo chocolate milk, rotating car shows and psychedelic lights. It’s a supersaturated delight.

              There’s no denying that Black has made us work to follow the story. But with a script for the ages and a team that’s up for anything, it’s not all work and no play, I mean, it is the 70s after all.

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Captain America: Civil War

Captain America: Civil War, 2016

Directed by Anthony and Joe Russo, 147 minutes

Chris Evans, Robert Downey Jr., Scarlett Johansson, Sebastian Stan, Anthony Mackie, Elizabeth Olsen, Chadwick Boseman

Review by Katherine Scheetz

             

              Marvel once again orchestrates a star-studded ensemble as only Marvel can. It’s the same rapport Joss Weedon brought to the Avengers franchise, this time, with both new and improved faces.

              Bucky (Stan) returns as the Darryl Dixon of Marvel, Black Widow (Johansson) sports her best look yet, Black Panther (Boseman) debuts with reverberations throughout the fandom and Spider-Man (Tom Holland) seamlessly keeps pace with seasoned avengers whose balls have actually dropped.

             

With civilian causalities stacking up circumstantial to the Avengers missions, they are called out to answer for the loss. A UN doctrine for bureaucratic regulation ruffles feathers and rifts friendships when Iron Man (Downey Jr.) surprises by signing in agreement and Captain America (Evans) abstains.

              Insert the pressure of the Cap’s longtime friend Bucky – the Winter Soldier – being caught up in an assassination plot, as well as a sneaky Slovakian psychiatrist (Daniel Brüel) holding onto video footage and an agenda of his own.  The result is a snappy superhero plot peppered with quips among super-friends.

              A now-displaced Wanda (Olsen) and synthetic Vision (Paul Bettany) share a few human moments that far surpass the forced-out kiss between Sharon Carter (Emily VanCamp) and Steve Rogers. Sorry Carter, no matter how good you think his biceps look holding a helicopter aground, you two have no chemistry.

             

Marvel’s secret weapon here is a chatty Peter Parker, ousted by the ever snarky Iron Man Stark via hitting on his Aunt May (Marisa Tomei). Holland’s promise makes our Spidey-senses twinge for more.

              The battle sequences are well shot with low camera angles that give it a grandeur equal to the scale of the film. It’s clear the choreographers had a blast putting the sequences together, testing the limits and creativity of each superpower present.

              There is no way to prepare for what writers Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely have created from Mark Millar’s comic, but hang on through the exposition for some serious power-punching twists.

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Criminal

Criminal, 2016

Directed by Ariel Vromen, 113 minutes

Kevin Costner, Ryan Reynolds, Tommy Lee Jones, Gary Oldman, Gal Gadot,

Review by Katherine Scheetz

Operative Bill Pope (Reynolds) winds up dead after an excruciating torture scene marked by electric shock to the teeth, with valuable anti-terrorist information in his head about asylum-seeking tech genius, “The Dutchman.” Experimental neurosurgeon Dr. Franks (Jones) is called to transplant Bill Pope into the head of Jericho (Costner) – who has a frontal lobe condition, making his brain the perfect blank slate to imprint Pope’s data onto. He also happens to be on death row.

Central Intelligence’s goal is to allow Jericho to get the anonymous “Dutchman” to safety, but both volatile characters go rogue and make more than a few uncalculated decisions. Jericho’s recall inevitably pulls Pope’s wife (Gadot) and daughter (newcomer Lara Decaro) into the race against time – and   a nuclear deal with the Russians. 

The CIA London office is HQ for this pseudo-sci-fi thriller, giving cinematographer Dana Gonzales the chance to paint a gritty picture of London with aerials of urban bustle.

However, this is a movie carried by its cast, particularly Costner’s enigmatic performance. He straddles the dichotomy of Pope and Jericho with gravelly grace, unadulterated rage against polished CIA training. Gadot is a willowy breath of emotion opposite him, haunted by her husband’s expressions that shadow Jericho’s face. It’s a moving duet of a performance, bulking up Gadot’s 2016 resumé of releases (Triple 9 and Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice).

              The script is as accommodating as Costner’s fluidity – springing us from fluent French to ‘I’m speaking Spanish mother-effer’ in under 10 seconds. While Vromen’s thiller isn’t breaking any box office records, it’s a solid reminder that Costner hasn’t lost his touch.

             

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The Huntsman: Winter's War

The Huntsman: Winter’s War, 2016

Directed by Cedric Nicolas-Troyan, 114 minutes

Chris Hemsworth, Jessica Chastain, Emily Blunt, Charlize Theron

Review by Katherine Scheetz

              Universal’s prequel/sequel to Snow White and the Huntsman (2012) treads some fine lines with Disney and Walden Media’s The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005). Introduced with the warm voice of Liam Neeson as omniscient narrator, we already wonder whether we walked through the wrong door into Narnia when the opening credits roll.

Ravenna (Theron) and Freya (Blunt) are two sisters with power in their blood. After heartbreak unlocks Freya’s affinity to ice magic, she suddenly owns a spired palace situated between two hills with a courtyard full of creatures she’s frozen into statues. Maybe Freya and Jadis just have the same architectural consultant.

Grieving mother that she is, Freya outlaws love in her kingdom and claims the children of the land as her own, making them her army.

Naturally, her two best huntsmen Erik (Hemsworth with a Scottish accent) and Sara (Chastain with an Irish one), fall in love. Erik is known for his skill with an axe. Sara’s skill with a bow is such that she “never misses.” Can we say Queen Susan’s trusty bow?

More tragedy ensues when they are discovered by Freya via ice owl NannyCam and they are separated, seemingly forever.

Then come the seven years where Snow White’s story takes place along with Ravenna’s supposed death.

When Aslan – wait, Neeson – stops narrating and we pick back up with a grieving Erik, he reluctantly agrees to a quest that takes far too long to find Ravenna’s stolen mirror, sandwiched by dwarves and goblins. With just enough time left to fit in an epic battle, Theron materializes from molten gold in the visual pinnacle of the film, gives us a deliciously evil laugh and causes a little chaos.

              James Newton Howard’s resonant score dances with the elegantly choreographed fight sequences. And while all the actors have played their parts well, no one could save the film from innumerable plot holes, a sappy script and blatant plagiarism. Mostly we just praise the great lion for Chris Hemsworth’s smile.

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The Jungle Book

The Jungle Book, 2016

Directed by Jon Favreau, 105 minutes

Neel Sethi, Bill Murray, Ben Kingsley, Idris Elba, Lupita Nyong’o, Christopher Walken, Giancarlo Esposito, Scarlett Johansson

Review by Katherine Scheetz

Director Jon Favreau takes us into the Seoni jungle of central India, with music and camera movements evocative of the classic 1967 animation. Favreau enchants us with the verdant visuals of “man-cub” Mowgli among the vines and moss, raised to be part of the wolf pack by alpha Akela (Esposito), mother Raksha (Nyong’o) and the tough-loving black panther Bagheera (Kingsley).

With smartly integrated monsoon season weather patterns, we observe how drought affects The Law of the Jungle and that when Peace Rock emerges from beneath the river, a truce between the jungle inhabitants must be obeyed. Elba makes his terrifying debut as the Bengal tiger Shere Khan here at Peace Rock, face scarred from man’s “red flower” and thirsting for revenge. With the return of the tiger and the monsoon (thus Peace Rock disappearing) Mowgli’s life becomes forfeit, forcing him and Bagheera to leave for the man-village in search of protection.

Along the way Mowgli learns his backstory from hypnotic rock python Kaa (Johansson), Bagheera teaches him about the reverence of the elephants and a tweaked King Louie (Walken) – with an accent from Queens, NY – brings about an Indiana-Jones-worthy temple chase scene filled with thick, filtered lighting. Sloth bear Baloo, voiced by the lazily charming Murray, embraces Mowgli’s inherent talent for invention or “tricks,” using them to his own ends ie: harvesting honey and singing “about the good life” alongside a goofy cast of supporting animals.

Composed by John Debney (who has a list of credits as long as my leg packed with rom-coms and Disney channel), the score intertwines the deep, time-honored melodies with the lift a modern audience needs. “The Bare Necessities,” “I Wanna Be Like You” and “Trust In Me” get a jazzy, New Orleans revamp, that call for bowling hats, smoky dance clubs and vintage microphones.

Mowgli’s coming of age story takes a different shape in all this – it’s about embracing yourself and your own “tricks.” Newcomer Neel Sethi’s compassionate performance evolves the character of Mowgli, and when you realize the kid did all of that acting with a green screen and his imagination – well, my hat is off.

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TBT Kingsman: The Secret Service

Kingsman: The Secret Service, 2015

Directed by Matthew Vaughn , 129 minutes

Colin Firth, Samuel L. Jackson, Taron Egerton, Michael Caine, Mark Strong

Review by Katherine Scheetz

Get in line Deadpool (2016), you aren’t the first R-rated comic book movie.

Based on the story by Icon Comics writer Mark Millar, Kingsman: The Secret Service opens with Harry Hart (a badass Firth) as a gentleman spy - code name: Galahad - in the Kingsman, the modern-day knights. He’s mid-operation overseas when he loses a promising young Kingsman-in-training with a wife and child back in England.

Fast forward 17 years and that child, Gary “Eggsy” Unwin (Egerton, in his first film) is a brilliant plebe who has made a lot of bad calls.  Hart bails him out of jail and recognizing his father’s inherent talent, recommends him for the Kingsman elite training program. Merlin (a sarcastic, Scottish Strong) serves as home base trainer to Eggsy and the other young Brits vying for the spot of “Lancelot” on the Kingsman.

Meanwhile, megalomaniac tech villain Valentine (Jackson, with a lisp) claims mankind is a virus creating the fever of global warming and plans to purge the overpopulated earth with a radical cure. The hero, the protégé, the villain, the henchman, the gadgets – it’s all there.

X-Men: First Class (2011) and Kick-Ass (2010) tongue-and-cheek director Matthew Vaughn smartly paces this packed-in story using three well-conceived waves – backstory, training and epic conclusion.

It reciprocates the bold and brassy Bond-esque action theme coined by composers Henry Jackman and Matthew Margeson. The team doesn’t disappoint with superb musical selections ranging from “Free Bird” during a Westboro-Baptist-meets-Tarantino-slaughter and “Pomp and Circumstance” while politicians’ head’s explode in satirical fireworks. Vaughn also plays with some clever little scene changes, from champagne bubbles to assembly line printing of Valentine’s evil SIM cards.

It’s an undeniably strong cast with Firth, Strong and Egerton at the helm, who have the salaciously cheeky script – co-written by Vaughn and Jane Goldman – wrapped around their fingers. We leave wanting a pocket-sized Colin Firth for those times when we need quotes like “Manners maketh man,” and with last week’s provocative sequel poster released, can we dare to hope?

I’m only sorry I didn’t I see this one sooner.

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Elephants and Bees

              Pachyderm Reviews is moving forward with our next initiative to help the rapidly declining elephant population worldwide. Enter: Elephants and Bees Project.

The Elephants and Bees Project is an innovative study using an understanding of elephant behavior to reduce damage from crop-raiding elephants using their instinctive avoidance of African honey bees. The project explores the use of Beehive Fences as a natural elephant deterrent creating a social and economic boost to poverty-stricken rural communities through pollination services and the sustainable harvesting of “Elephant-Friendly Honey.” It is a project born out of the Save The Elephants charity.

Save the Elephants was founded in 1993 by Dr. Iain Douglas-Hamilton, CBE, Chief Executive Officer, who made a pioneering study of elephant behavior in the late 60s in Lake Manyara National Park, Tanzania, and has worked on elephant status Africa-wide since.

Save the Elephants focus on research, education, grass-roots conservation, monitoring and protection and are involved in projects across Africa in Kenya, Democratic Republic of Congo, Gabon, South Africa and Mali. Research projects range from investigations into the dynamics of elephant society at a molecular level to behavior of savannah, forest and desert elephants. They are involved in surveys to measure population trends, elephant mortality and ivory trade, providing information used by CITES (Convention on the International Trade in Endangered Species) to ascertain the conservation status of the African elephant.

Our Elephants and Bees Project is core to Save The Elephants mission of innovative methods to reduce conflict and explore the cultural relationships between people and elephants.

Watch the full length video and visit the Elephants and Bees website to read more about their work. Visit the Pachyderm Reviews GoFundMe page to support our fundraiser and receive a limited edition Pachyderm Reviews t-shirt. And if your pockets aren’t deep enough to donate, share this link to get the word out about how we, writers and readers of all things cinema, can save people, bees and elephants with one simple project and it’s sweet reward.

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, 2016

Directed by Zach Snyder, 151 minutes

Ben Affleck, Henry Cavill, Gal Gadot, Jesse Eisenberg, Amy Adams

by Hailey Dolan

Batman and Superman appear together for the first time in film history, but with Lois Lane (Adams), Lex Luthor (Eisenberg) and Kryptonians taking center stage, Batman’s presence feels more like a cameo than a leading role.

After half an hour of crammed-in backstory and constant jumps between storylines, our two (supposed) protagonists finally meet at a party held by Lex Luthor. Here, Bruce Wayne (Affleck) discovers Luthor has been creating a super weapon while keeping tabs on a handful of meta-humans – people with extraordinary powers. Superman (Cavill), under journalist alias Clark Kent, discovers Wayne is Gotham City’s Batman.

Affleck delivers the tortured Batman with a chronic solemn expression. Where is that switched-on charm we were expecting from billionaire Bruce Wayne? Instead, we’re stuck with a gullible Wayne who is the last to learn he is working for the villain.

Doesn’t really sound like Batman, does it?

In a robotic suit, Batman clunks around, unknowingly keeping Superman occupied while Luthor unrolls his devious plan. Our once dark knight is now merely a pawn.

For her part, Lois Lane pops up every time Superman is on the screen. Her presence is, however, more annoying than anything else. In the middle of the final battle, there she stands, somehow the only civilian to survive all of the destruction. She even figures out how to kill the Luthor-created monster before the super beings do. Just in time, of course, for Superman to grab a quick kiss.

Convenient.  

Gadot’s Wonder Woman leaves us wondering why a bigger-than-life Amazonian fighter would be portrayed by one so lithe. Though we never learn why Wonder Woman is in Metropolis to begin with, the writers have utilized her well in the battle sequence as the sole proactive combatant against the monster, while Superman flies off, distracted, and Batman is nowhere to be seen.

The only eye-catching performance comes from our villainous mastermind. Though the Luthor character is typically cold and suave, Eisenberg gives him a childish twist with neurotic tendencies. It's certainly memorable, however, not even an Oscar-worthy performance would have saved this film. With countless plot holes, we’re left with more questions than answers. And disappointment. Lots of disappointment.

A battle meant to be this epic was probably best left to our imaginations.

Our guest blogger, Hailey Dolan, is the sassy brain behind the Blogspot Lift Your Leg, where she publishes snarky reviews of music, movies and television. She also uses her powers for good, by raising money through her blog for local animal shelters. Come back soon to hear about Pachyderm Reviews upcoming fundraiser for Elephants and Bees in Nairobi, Kenya.

The Divergent Series: Allegiant

The Divergent Series: Allegiant, 2016

Directed by Robert Schwentke, 121 minutes

Shailene Woodley, Theo James, Jeff Daniels, Naomi Watts, Ansel Elgort, Zoë Kravitz, Miles Teller, Octavia Spencer

Review by Katherine Scheetz

No need to buckle your seatbelt for the penultimate installment of the Divergent Series, it moves slower than Peter (Teller) catches onto the fact he’s being used…again. Splitting a book that already has a scanty plot, Allegiant is another victim to the money-grabbers of Hollywood. Names like Jeff Daniels, Octavia Spencer, Naomi Watts, Miles Teller and yes, even Shailene Woodley deserve better.

With the evil Jeanine (Kate Winslet) dead, Four’s (James) power-hungry mother, Evelyn (Watts) is in charge of a now factionless Chicago (for those just catching up the factions were Dauntless, Amity, Erudite, Abnegation and Candor).

In the only scene that is marginally creative with panning aerial camera shots, Four and Tris (Woodley) lead a rogue group over the wall surrounding Chicago to find the people who turned them into an experiment, the big reveal that concluded the previous film. They are picked up by the Bureau of Genetic Welfare, run by David (Daniels) out of the ruins of Chicago O’Hare airport. Even in his Hilter-reminiscent outfits, he convinces an irritatingly passive Tris that the only way to help the “genetically damaged” people of Chicago is to use her “genetically pure” DNA to appeal to some mysterious council for intervention.

Meanwhile, a furrowed-brow Four learns that the Bureau is involved in kidnapping and brainwashing children from the radioactive “Fringe,” or the outskirts of nuclear wasteland that surround the Bureau’s hub. Despite the preponderance of exposition, we never do get to the reason David is stealing kids. Miles Teller provides an entertaining, mercurial and punchline-driven performance as Peter, who still doesn’t know whose side he’s on.

All this adds up to is a generic and unimaginative story set to a predictable score. We can’t decide if the hokey technology or the bad CGI is more laughable. Maybe it’s the political themes of division that lost the pissing contest to animated mammals. And lost badly.

Visit our Get Involved page to learn about our previous donations to Game Rangers International Elephant Orphanage Project and visit us again for our next opportunity to give to animal sanctuaries across the globe. 

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, 2016

Directed by Glenn Ficarra, John Requa, 112 minutes

Tina Fey, Margot Robbie, Martin Freeman, Alfred Molina, Billy Bob Thornton

Review by Katherine Scheetz

It’s been a good couple of months for journalism in film. Robert Carlock’s dark comedy adapted screenplay from Kim Barker’s “The Taliban Shuffle: Strange Days in Afghanistan and Pakistan” is another notch on the totem.

Kim Baker (Fey) is an unattached and bored desk journalist in 2003 when the war in Iraq takes off, who jumps at an assignment reporting in Afghanistan for three months and ends up staying three years.

Baker slides on her belly under fire toward explosions by day and knocks back shots, porn and men by night with fellow adrenaline junkie journalists in the Kabul bubble or “Kabubble.” Her normal is completely recalibrated through bizarre occurrences ranging from solicitations by the attorney general of Afghanistan (Molina) to pouring her drunk heart out to a Chinese whore after her first big break. Despite a job well done by Freeman as Baker’s love interest, Iain MacKelpie, it isn’t where the film should have ended. Spoiler alert: this is not a love story, at least not that kind.

Qualifications apply, for this is a largely different film from the recent success, Spotlight (2015). But both films do their journalist roots credit with ceaselessly excellent writing and gripping pace. For Whiskey, uncensored lines roll straight out of the gate from General Hollanek (Thornton) and Tanya Vanderpoel (Robbie). Carlock doesn’t coddle us by explaining the vernacular of the Kabubble – except for “wet hooch” – that one we needed help with.

Unfortunately, because of the chaos of Kabul, Ficarra’s attempt at shining a light on Baker’s women’s right stories took a back seat, which is damn shame. Between the burkas (Fey whips out a quippy “I’m so pretty I don’t even want to vote” from beneath the blue covering) in the film and the stories of education and lifestyle Baker uncovered, the platform was there for the taking.

In spite of the madness, Whiskey Tango Foxtrot is a highly entertaining and highly educational swing at the unglamorous but exotic life journalism can bring down upon its unsuspecting victims.

Visit our Get Involved page to learn about our previous donations to Game Rangers International Elephant Orphanage Project and visit us again for our next opportunity to give to animal sanctuaries across the globe. 

Zootopia

Zootopia, 2016

Directed by Byron Howard, Rich Moore, Jared Bush, 108 minutes

Ginnifer Goodwin, Jason Bateman, Idris Elba, J.K. Simmons, Jenny Slate, Shakira

Review by Katherine Scheetz

              Judy Hopps (Goodwin) is the purple-eyed daughter of two carrot farmers in Bunnyburrow, where animals still speak in tongues and your prey/predator status defines your role in life. After graduating from the police academy as the only bunny officer under Mayor Lionheart's (Simmons) Mammal Inclusion Act, her parting gift from her parents (and her 275 brothers and sisters) is “Fox-Away” pepper spray.

Judy heads to assignment in Zootopia City Center, pink iPaw blasting the latest toe-tapping hit from pop-star Gazelle (Shakira), where she is the only prey animal in a precinct of predators under Cape buffalo Chief Bogo (Elba).  

              So begins the parade of characters who reveal the harsh realities of animal relations in Judy’s Mecca, from elephant-only ice cream shops to Mafia shrews. Key among them is Nick Wilde (Bateman), a hustling fox with sleepy eyelids and hands perpetually in his pockets; nuances taken straight from Bateman’s own body language in the recording studio.

              Flawless animation accompanies the captured characteristics, down to the edging of fur on Judy’s expressive ears. But it’s everyday life details, like the texting hamster who gets squashed exiting the “tube” and the DMV run by sloths, that ground Disney’s world-building.

Writers Jared Bush and Phil Johnston deliver a tight script (if carrot-heavy) with no lag in clever lines or honest moments of friendship meant for both children and adults alike.

In Zootopia, there are doors sized for all creatures; public transportation accommodates swimmers, fliers, and tunnelers; homes exist for Tundra-dwellers, rainforest-livers, and Sahara-sunbathers. Think New York City, but built so that autism, cerebral palsy, down syndrome, ADHD, dyslexia and the like could never be thought of as disabilities, but rather part of what makes you unique. Novel.  

Disney doles out a timely message of tolerance when we need it most. Let no sheep cooking nighthowler in his meth-resembling-lab stop you from absorbing Zootopia.             

Visit our Get Involved page to learn about our previous donations to Game RangersInternational Elephant Orphanage Project and visit us again for our next opportunity to give to animal sanctuaries across the globe.